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食べちゃいたいほど愛おしい妻の唯一クソなところ

食べちゃいたいほど愛おしい妻の唯一クソなところ

妻は顔も可愛いしお腹すいたといえば料理を作ってくれるし、よく笑うし良い妻です。整理整頓が苦手ですが(それは残業してへとへとな僕が家に帰ってからやればいいので)気になりません。

そんな妻も子供が大きくなるとママ友が増えてきます。子供がスポーツ少年団に入団し、練習や試合の様子を見ていると嫌でも仲良くなります。ママトークと言えば「旦那さんは何の仕事をしているの?」という話題が鉄板のようで、僕がプログラマーということは大体のママ友が知っています。すると「あの資料が作れなくてー」とか「子供の卒園で流す動画が編集できなくてー」とかそういった相談がきます。あとはどうなるかわかりますね?妻が「それなら夫がぱぱっとやってくれますよぉ♪」と頼んでもいないのに発注(無償)を取ってきます。(`・ω・´)←こんな顔してます。控えめにいってクソです。

(`・ω・´)「夫くん、〇〇のママが少年団の広告作りが出来なくて困ってるみたいだからやってくれない?夫くんなら30分くらいでぱぱっとできちゃうしょ?」

僕「え?何それ?広告って何?」

(`・ω・´)「Excelで広告が作れなくて困っているんだってー。〇〇のママはパソコン苦手だから助けてあげて!」

僕「てか広告って何?何すればいいの?」

(`・ω・´)「よくわかんないけどすぐできるしょ?」

僕「(…何言ってんだこいつ?)」

 

何が起こっているか?


大抵こういう時は前年度担当していたママ(前年度ママ)から引き継がれます。そこから今年度担当のママ(発注ママ)が説明を聞き作業をするわけですが、この発注ママのパソコンスキルがいちじるしく低いor忙しいと外注されます。そこで何気ない日常会話の中で妻が「夫にやらせます」と営業をかけ、僕に発注(無償)がきます。その際、以下のような要件を教えてもらう伝言ゲームが実行されます。SI界隈ではよくあるやつですね。

さて、この図を見ると前の年は前年度ママが作業をしたように思いますが、実際は違う人が作業をしている可能性もあります。となると発注ママへの要件定義(主に見積り)は大抵ぶれます。工数が多い作業でも他の家庭のママに大変な作業をお願いしたということはママ界では命取りになります。なので実際に大変でもよくわからなくても簡単な作業だよと言って工数を低く見積もるわけですね。

そして発注ママは頭を抱えます。パソコンは苦手で全然出来ない…。表を作るだけでも何時間もかかってしまって家事ができません。そんな時に妻が登場するとこうなります。

困ったことに妻が取ってくる案件ですぐに終わることは稀です。大抵発注ママが「あたしにこの作業は無理」となってしまいまわってくる仕事なのでいくらプログラマーでも仕事や勉強の合間にやると数日から数週間かかることもあります。

ここで重要なのは妻も内容をよくわかっていないことです。つまり基本設計もどきみたいなものがある状態で作り始めることになります。となると当然作業にも誤りが出てきます。完璧な詳細設計書がある状態で作れればプログラマーは力を存分に発揮します。しかし何をどう作っていいのかよくわからないと妻経由で発注ママに聞くというプロセスが発生してしまいよけ時間がかかります。さらに修正もがんがんされるため次第にやる気を失ってしまいます。

 

データの受け渡し


さて、作業をしていると前年度のExcelデータを貰う必要が出てきます。Gitはもちろん、dropboxなども使えません。となるとメール?いやいやExcelデータの添付のやり方なんてわかりませんよ。となると直接USBメモリーにデータを入れて自宅まで手渡しという方法が多いです。もしくはデータを紙に印刷して手渡ししてそれをExcelで作り直すというウルトラCみたいな方法もありました。そっかーそうですよね…。

そしてこう思うのです「仕事してるほうが全然楽だ…」

 

まとめ


プログラマーの人は妻に「営業はするな」と言っておいた方がいいです。生半可にスキルがあると逆に辛い経験をすることになります。そうしないとパソコンを使う作業は全て自分の元に集まります

どうか家庭内が平和でありますように…。

soon
  • soon
  • 1986年生まれのjavaプログラマー。28歳の時に7年働いた販売士からプログラマーに転職をする。常駐先を転々としながら日々生きています。